Third time's the charm, but no such thing as luck. Laura's dream family freebirth and deep integrative postpartum with baby Forrest
Why I chose to have a free birth at home with local community doulas instead of choosing midwifery care.
Almost a decade ago when I gave birth to my eldest daughter, before the wealth of information we have access to now via podcasts, videos and stories (kindly shared by birth keepers, activists and birthing women) I naively believed that heading to the hospital would be the safest place to give birth. My waters broke and labour didn’t immediately follow so they booked me in for an induction which I didn't question or even consider saying no to. This led to a very textbook cascade of interventions on a busy labour ward where my poor baby was pulled out via vontuse because she wasn't ready to be born yet. Though this was not the narrative I was told, it is what I now know to be true. My uterus went into spasm because I was administered too much of the fake oxytocin drug and my body could not cope. I thought I would die that day from the pain. I spent the following week in and out of the hospital where I received a blood patch on my spine because the epidural had given me severe side effects that left me unable to stand. It was a horror show that I spent a long time processing. My baby was fine, but my mental health was not.
My second baby's birth was in a birth centre and was redemptive in many ways but still very much in the power and control of others. I did achieve a spontaneous vaginal birth but was still under time constraints and was denied being in water until I had been examined laying on my back. I had to walk from my car to the birth center with strangers looking on during some very intense contractions which was no fun. Mostly my husband and I realised that the midwives had done nothing helpful at all and that we had managed the labour entirely on our own. My daughter was born into a room with the sound of the hospital alarm system pelting out at full capacity which was far from peaceful. It was better than the first but I regretted that I didn't have my family with me, I realised they would have been of far more value to me during the birth and afterwards than my midwife had been.
As soon as I fell pregnant with my 3rd baby I knew I wanted to have him at home. I had a clear vision of what I wanted but the more research I did into homebirth the more skeptical I felt about it actually happening if I was to entrust my birth to the medical professionals.
I have always been a people pleaser, not usually one to voice my opinions loudly and likely to do what I am told, certainly I wouldn’t say no to doctors or medical professionals. Planning Forrests birth I felt an immediate conflict of interest. I wanted to listen politely to what my midwife was telling me, be a ‘good girl’ attend growth scans when they were requested but in equal measure I REALLY WANTED A HOMEBIRTH.
After a few chats with my midwife it came to light that the homebirth team in my area would not be able to guarantee coming to my house for my homebirth. (I was told they would not come during the night.) This detail got me thinking of other ways to have my baby at home.
When I reflect on my eldests daughter's birth, the main ingredient that contributed to the 5 years of birth trauma I endured was the lack of genuine care and basic kindness I received from the people I had so ironically chosen to be my caregivers. Overrun midwives in a busy hospital setting that were on autopilot for induction and the cascade of interventions that followed were too busy to wait for the baby to be ready and certainly too busy to put the mother into the picture.
3rd time around and certainly not 3rd time lucky (no such thing as luck in birth in my opinion) I knew I would need the right people on board if I wanted to get a normal straightforward birth without any drama. I would need people that genuinely care about women, their bodies, births and babies.
Insert magical Doula duo Betty and Lucy.
I knew that if I was going to have a doula/s for my birth I wouldn’t need to look further than my immediate wonderful community of Folkestone. Infact having doulas that lived nearby was all part of the vision. Not least from a practical point of view but because feeling part of a community is integral to my values and seeking support from my neighbors felt intrinsic to me.
Now I have a very long list of reasons why having Betty and Lucy on board enabled me to have the birth I had always hoped for. One of the main reasons (and I will list others later on..) is because they helped me to advocate for myself and gave me the confidence I needed to take the birth that I wanted into my own hands because it was always mine to take!
I knew Betty already and I went along to one of the birth circles at her house. I listened intently to a birth story of a woman named Chloe who recently free birthed. I have to say that in many ways the monthly birth circle was accountable for Forrests peaceful freebirth. Once I had gone to one I was hooked and couldn't wait to go and learn more from other free birthing women with inspiring stories to share. These stories blew my mind! Sitting in a circle of women who have reclaimed their power and were there to pass on their wisdom to me felt like all I needed to do the same. I didn't know these women yet I felt immediately connected to them, their stories struck with me and to this day I remember the details of their birth stories that those women so kindly gifted to me. Without their lived experiences I am not sure I would have the confidence to say let's do this!
I met Betty for a cuppa to chat about doulaing and we decided to go ahead with Lucy on board too.
I would say at this point I had not even committed anything financially but they had already done so much for me to influence my birth outcome. Hosting free birth circles and making connections within the community was integral to the planning and execution of the birth. The doulas put me in contact with Lara, a local free birthing mum and aspiring doula herself. We met for a cuppa and chatted about her freebirth with Baby Zac. I came home from that meeting completely inspired and I knew that was how we were going to do it too! Meeting a like minded mum who had birthed alone with Betty as her Doula and no midwives gave me the confidence to say no thanks to my assigned midwife. Instead we started planning for a family friendly birth with people that really cared about me and my birth preferences.
Meeting with Betty and Lucy once they had agreed to doula for me was when we sounded off the specifics and I started to put a clear plan in place. The plan was in short… no medical involvement and trust in myself and baby to do the thing we are both designed to do.
So I contacted my midwife to let her know we wouldn't need her at the birth because we weren't going in for a medicalised birth.
One of the gains of having both Lucy and Betty on board was having two sets of expertise. Betty for her unapologetic passion for freebirth and her unwavering confidence in women's bodies gave me so much confidence in myself. I knew that Betty would stand up and advocate for me if a tricky situation arose. Lucy for her wholehearted kindness and attention to detail. Lucy knows everything there is to know about the female body and process of birth. I really gained from her knowledge of the system who to contact, the when the what and the how to do it all.
I emailed the head of midwifery so as to be transparent about my birth plan and also to make sure we didn't get any involvement from social services and Lucy was able to help me with the details of the letter.
We discussed getting around the legal stuff and the paperwork (that the midwives usually do) and the doulas suggested having Sophie from Juno midwives to pop round after the birth to do the legal bit if we didn't want to do that ourselves.
The third trimester for me was very relaxed because I had such trust in the plans we had put in place, and I knew I had done enough preparation that the rest would follow. The main thing for me was to keep away from the noise and interference that usually happens as the birth becomes imminent. It was clear to me that the way to get my desired birth would be to only take advice from a few select people at this point. If I had any issues I would seek guidance primarily from the doulas, my family and myself!
It is important to say at this point that the other half of my birth team who were absolutely crucial to me in terms of support were my mum and sister. Being surrounded by my female loved ones was always going to make me feel safer and more supported. My mum and my twin were completely on the same page as me about how the baby should be bought into the world and my mum had witnessed firsthand the sabotage of my first birth so was very much on my wavelength in thinking that a peaceful natural birth at home would be best for me and the baby this time around. I was at the home birth of my nephew Billy 3 years ago and so was my mum. Hollie’s wisdom as someone who had trodden this path before was really integral in reassuring me and also my feeling that my body was entirely capable of birthing freely if I just left it alone, no poking, prodding or interference. Hollie found a rare gem in her midwife who had a hands off approach and sat very quietly in the corner while Hollie did the rest herself. Her birth was beautiful and seeing my nephew being born into a room filled with family and love was a life changing moment for us all.
And lastly I will also credit my husband for being incredibly supportive of my wishes and never once doubting my decisions. He trusted in all the hours of research, watched videos and blogs, he trusted the doulas and all their data, and he trusted my vision. His ability to believe in me and my unwavered plan was vital in making the birth a success. Having him believe in me from the beginning made it feel all the smoother from start to finish.
I would say that having birth happen at home was almost as empowering for him as it was for me. By being home he was able to care for me intimately and his presence at the birth was very much in a care giving capacity where he was able to support and help. This had not been the case in our previous births where he was very much sidelined and seemingly in the way, disempowered to help me in my distress.
Just a bystander witness to the drama as it unfolded. Not this time.
I had envisioned the birth many times in my head. I had manifested the way it would look and feel, sound and smell, detail by detail. And it all came true.
The labor started in the early hours of the morning and by 5am I was in the birth pool surrounded by all my loved ones. My sister, Mum and husband were all taking it in turns to give me a massage for pain relief which was really lovely. The doulas arrived into a calm haven where they quietly and patiently sat in the backdrop of what was going on. They had full trust in me and my body. They didn't ask questions, just provided support.
The atmosphere was calm but also there was some chatter and I remember laughing lots in the lead up, there was an excitement in the air. My daughters woke early and came to support me, they were pottering in and out and offered some support here and there. They wandered upstairs and did some drawings, dipping in and out of things as they usually do. My middle daughter put on her cossie, joined me in the pool and was pouring water on my back. I felt a massive rush of love and support here and I am sure it helped to speed the labour up.
The final stages of the birth were not easy. It felt very wild and primal, and I had to dig in deep to find the strength to carry on. Some of the final moments felt very dark, as though I had gone to another place and time somewhere in the wilderness to find my baby and bring him home. He rose up through the water slowly and as I reached for him his arms were open wide to me. It was a powerful experience that left me feeling elated and so proud.
The moments that followed his entry into the world were so precious. He rested and fed and with the doulas help I made it onto the sofa where I waited and shortly after gave birth to the placenta. This part felt like a big deal to me as I had never done this naturally before. And again this is where having the doulas was worth their weight in gold.
They knew this was the part where I would need most support because we had talked about it in the lead up. It all happened very easily and the placenta came away without any issues, I remember giving it a little tug and not long afterwards we were all admiring it.
Lucy gifted us with an impromptu science lesson to my daughters (6 and 8) who loved learning all about how my body housed and birthed the baby and the placenta. They sat with it on the floor and took it all in, in awe of what had just happened. My children talk about birth all the time and I am so happy that they have the happy memories of their baby brother being born and that it could go on to inform their own potential births one day. They talk about helping Lucy and Betty with the washing up and how the doulas hung up the washing, the girls really enjoyed having them in our home that day! What an inspiration to the future generation, the doulas normalized the birth and my children really followed their lead on the day.
Having Lucy and Betty to clean up and take care of the pool/blood and general aftermath of the birth was amazing. This meant that my husband was able to enjoy being with me and the baby. Once we had waited a while and cut the cord I was tucked up in bed. The doulas left as quietly as they had arrived. Such an unassuming non-invasive and humble presence in our home.
It all felt very lovely, not over the top or fussy, just how it should be. It wasn't surprising or shocking or anything that much out of the ordinary. It was very very special but also very understated. Certainly not the drama or attention that fell upon me with my first two births. Just a family centered, well supported birth at home.
It felt simple and magical but also familiar to me. I had seen it before all those times I imagined how it could be.
Having my baby boy at home born into my arms so peacefully, was the best day of my life. Choosing this type of birth was one of the best decisions I have ever made and I can attribute the decision to have Betty and Lucy as my Doulas to this.
As well as supporting me, they really enabled my husband Christian to have his role and they supported him in this. The same with my mum and my sister, each family member was able to fully embrace their role in the birth, even my daughters felt important on the day. It felt like such a team effort where everyone had their part to play.
The other thing that Betty and Lucy really helped me with was placing more emphasis and attention on the postpartum this time. I had been so focused on the birth itself before that I didn’t really consider those weeks that would follow. I had definitely rushed back into things too quickly previously. This time Betty, Lucy and I chatted a lot about how I wanted the post-partum to look. I set myself a goal of 4 weeks indoors in the newborn bubble without any pressure to get fresh air for walks, or see people. And I have to say that protecting that time and really planning for how it would work was invaluable. I loved giving my body the time it deserved to heal and my body felt so good for it. (Also worth mentioning here that I didn't have so much as a graze after his birth because of the way the birth slowly unfolded, quite the comparison to my broken body the first time around.)
I didn't reintegrate into societal expectation/ normal life for 6/8 weeks and I look back at the time so fondly. Having Lucy and Betty checking in on me the other side of the birth was so reassuring, and their expertise with how to handle the postpartum was one of my most treasured parts of Forrests birth.
It was a long journey of learning and discovery for me, of saying no to the system and standing up for myself and my body. This process empowered me in other ways beyond just the birth and has given me the confidence to question my compliance in other areas of my life. But instead to stand up for what I believe in and do the research instead of going along with the social norm. I will forever be so happy that I was able to experience birth in this way.
There is a freebirth revolution happening in Folkestone because of some incredible women that came into my life at just the right time, and I am proud to be part of it.